heartache

Dear Stubborn One,
Today was a lost day, for you and for me.  You chose stay in your room, in your bed even, and not engage with the world today, no explanation.  It scares the **** out of me because I am afraid you are showing signs of a mental disorder or tendency to depression.  You have always been such a little firecracker, unpredictable and emotional.   But you are only ten and there is so much of life left, and it's going to be so hard for you if this is the way you go on.

You will never know until you have your own child how much I love you and how much it hurts when you won't let me into your hurt, your problems, your mind and heart.  But it does open my eyes to how it hurts the Father when any of His children push Him away.

I am grateful for your little friend who called and talked to you on the phone tonight for an hour, and for your father who did your AWANA with you and talked to you and pretended everything was normal.   I pray (and pray and pray) that tomorrow will be a better day, and the the Father will lead me in my decisions about how much to push you and how much to require of you tomorrow.  I don't want to be afraid of you, but I want to follow the leading of your Creator who knows you best to make decisions about you. 

I also still have a small fear that I am being manipulated, and that you got out of doing a day's work by acting this way.  But I have prayed and followed His guidance, and I don't know what else I could have done.  As they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't MAKE it drink.  I am not upset about the work that still has to be made up, but by the break in our relationship.

I love you with  all my heart, every blond hair and freckle and those beautiful blue eyes and your skin softer than the softest flour to the touch.  

Love, Mom