heartache

Dear Stubborn One,
Today was a lost day, for you and for me.  You chose stay in your room, in your bed even, and not engage with the world today, no explanation.  It scares the **** out of me because I am afraid you are showing signs of a mental disorder or tendency to depression.  You have always been such a little firecracker, unpredictable and emotional.   But you are only ten and there is so much of life left, and it's going to be so hard for you if this is the way you go on.

You will never know until you have your own child how much I love you and how much it hurts when you won't let me into your hurt, your problems, your mind and heart.  But it does open my eyes to how it hurts the Father when any of His children push Him away.

I am grateful for your little friend who called and talked to you on the phone tonight for an hour, and for your father who did your AWANA with you and talked to you and pretended everything was normal.   I pray (and pray and pray) that tomorrow will be a better day, and the the Father will lead me in my decisions about how much to push you and how much to require of you tomorrow.  I don't want to be afraid of you, but I want to follow the leading of your Creator who knows you best to make decisions about you. 

I also still have a small fear that I am being manipulated, and that you got out of doing a day's work by acting this way.  But I have prayed and followed His guidance, and I don't know what else I could have done.  As they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't MAKE it drink.  I am not upset about the work that still has to be made up, but by the break in our relationship.

I love you with  all my heart, every blond hair and freckle and those beautiful blue eyes and your skin softer than the softest flour to the touch.  

Love, Mom

Letting go of the schedule (a little)

OK, this is hard for me.  B & K have gotten it into their heads to play explorer/survivor in the yard.  But it's SCHOOL TIME!   I know that this is one of the perks of homeschooling--that when my children are actively engaged in a healthy, worthwhile activity like imaginative play outdoors, I can let them do that and reign them back in for schoolwork later.   But I have a REALLY hard time letting go of my framework for the day as I see it.   I am learning, slowly but surely, the flexibility that is necessary and available when homeschooling.

So far the homeschooling/charter school road has been pretty smooth.  Today I was reminded that I am partnering with my daughter's "regular" teacher who she sees on Wednesdays and Fridays.  My daughter was uncooperative with me this morning when she was frustrated with math.  I ended up giving up because you just can't work with her when she's like that.  But then I remembered that I am not alone.  I emailed her classroom teacher and explained the difficulty, and she said they would go over the math problem together tomorrow.  I need to remember that I have resources beyond my own self.

schedule

Can I just say that the whole multi-tasking thing (like NOT multi-tasking) isn't working out for me?  I see no purpose is sitting there twiddling my thumbs while my kids do their math when there is housework to be done.  I didn't sit and twiddle as a classroom teacher, and I'm not going to do it now.

Our schedule has settled down mostly as follows:
Reading for twenty minutes after the others leave for work and school.
Bible study and journaling for about a half-hour.
Math.
Snack.
Language arts and all that it entails (it's really about five subjects under one umbrella--literature/reading, writing, grammar, spelling, and handwriting/cursive)
Lunch
History.

When we finish the kids have been going swimming for PE as they don't get their electronic drugs back until they have gotten some exercise.  :)