heartache

Dear Stubborn One,
Today was a lost day, for you and for me.  You chose stay in your room, in your bed even, and not engage with the world today, no explanation.  It scares the **** out of me because I am afraid you are showing signs of a mental disorder or tendency to depression.  You have always been such a little firecracker, unpredictable and emotional.   But you are only ten and there is so much of life left, and it's going to be so hard for you if this is the way you go on.

You will never know until you have your own child how much I love you and how much it hurts when you won't let me into your hurt, your problems, your mind and heart.  But it does open my eyes to how it hurts the Father when any of His children push Him away.

I am grateful for your little friend who called and talked to you on the phone tonight for an hour, and for your father who did your AWANA with you and talked to you and pretended everything was normal.   I pray (and pray and pray) that tomorrow will be a better day, and the the Father will lead me in my decisions about how much to push you and how much to require of you tomorrow.  I don't want to be afraid of you, but I want to follow the leading of your Creator who knows you best to make decisions about you. 

I also still have a small fear that I am being manipulated, and that you got out of doing a day's work by acting this way.  But I have prayed and followed His guidance, and I don't know what else I could have done.  As they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't MAKE it drink.  I am not upset about the work that still has to be made up, but by the break in our relationship.

I love you with  all my heart, every blond hair and freckle and those beautiful blue eyes and your skin softer than the softest flour to the touch.  

Love, Mom

Letting go of the schedule (a little)

OK, this is hard for me.  B & K have gotten it into their heads to play explorer/survivor in the yard.  But it's SCHOOL TIME!   I know that this is one of the perks of homeschooling--that when my children are actively engaged in a healthy, worthwhile activity like imaginative play outdoors, I can let them do that and reign them back in for schoolwork later.   But I have a REALLY hard time letting go of my framework for the day as I see it.   I am learning, slowly but surely, the flexibility that is necessary and available when homeschooling.

So far the homeschooling/charter school road has been pretty smooth.  Today I was reminded that I am partnering with my daughter's "regular" teacher who she sees on Wednesdays and Fridays.  My daughter was uncooperative with me this morning when she was frustrated with math.  I ended up giving up because you just can't work with her when she's like that.  But then I remembered that I am not alone.  I emailed her classroom teacher and explained the difficulty, and she said they would go over the math problem together tomorrow.  I need to remember that I have resources beyond my own self.

schedule

Can I just say that the whole multi-tasking thing (like NOT multi-tasking) isn't working out for me?  I see no purpose is sitting there twiddling my thumbs while my kids do their math when there is housework to be done.  I didn't sit and twiddle as a classroom teacher, and I'm not going to do it now.

Our schedule has settled down mostly as follows:
Reading for twenty minutes after the others leave for work and school.
Bible study and journaling for about a half-hour.
Math.
Snack.
Language arts and all that it entails (it's really about five subjects under one umbrella--literature/reading, writing, grammar, spelling, and handwriting/cursive)
Lunch
History.

When we finish the kids have been going swimming for PE as they don't get their electronic drugs back until they have gotten some exercise.  :)

Learned so far:

After two days of homeschooling, I have the following wisdom to share:

*Have your children brush their teeth before you start the day.  Other than that, pajamas are OK.
*Take your shower before you start the day.  (Today I snuck mine while they were writing about our Bible lesson because I just couldn't stand myself any longer.) 
*Put gold stars or stickers on their papers even if you and they are the only ones who will see it.
*Having one computer per person would be ideal.  I had no idea how much computer and printer use there would be.  Yesterday when I had three kids home, plus myself, and only two computers, it was a constant dance of who is using it and who is doing something not requiring them to check the wiki, print something out, or do an online activity.

New journey

So I started this blog to practice my writing since I was teaching writing to Jr. Highers.  Now we are starting  our homeschooling journey.  There are a million blogs about homeschooling out there, and I know no one but me and maybe my sister will read this one.  It's just for my own practice and thinking.

I went to the annual conference put on by our charter school through which we homeschool today.   I came away inspired to:
*create a dedicated physical space
*view education as discipleship--coming alongside your child
*use a discipline/reward system
*remember the objective of the lesson, not just check off the boxes that it's done
*focus on my children during our school time and resist the urge to multi-task.  If I want them to value it and take it seriously, I must do the same.

Today I thought, instead of how I am like my mother, because females usually do that, of how much I am like my father.

We both like to sit and just look.  He may be looking at a Wisconsin lake, sitting on the seawall at dusk, while I am on a bench by my back door watching the darkness fall gently on the San Pasqual Valley while I wait for the owls to appear, but we are both watching.  Just being,  meditating on God, and our blessings, and the beauty of the evening.

We love the country.  Long bike rides down farm roads.  Drives at dusk through Wisconsin woods looking for deer.

If he could visit me here in California, I know where he would sit.  Right where I am now, thinking, thanking God, loving.

We are both meek.  We are content to let the others in our lives take the lead, going where we are led, with the rare flare-up of protest.  We both are in our element in the classroom, where we have the autonomy and are the respected expert in our fields.

We are both suckers for nostalgia, moved to tears at the good old days and pouring over old photos for hours.

We both married wrong, though he would deny it, and our lives have been harder because of it, but we have both stuck it out for the greater good.  We are keepers of commitments.

And music.  There are no words.  It is not just in our blood, it is our blood.  Some of our tastes overlap and some don't, but without it we would be husks of ourselves.