Today I thought, instead of how I am like my mother, because females usually do that, of how much I am like my father.

We both like to sit and just look.  He may be looking at a Wisconsin lake, sitting on the seawall at dusk, while I am on a bench by my back door watching the darkness fall gently on the San Pasqual Valley while I wait for the owls to appear, but we are both watching.  Just being,  meditating on God, and our blessings, and the beauty of the evening.

We love the country.  Long bike rides down farm roads.  Drives at dusk through Wisconsin woods looking for deer.

If he could visit me here in California, I know where he would sit.  Right where I am now, thinking, thanking God, loving.

We are both meek.  We are content to let the others in our lives take the lead, going where we are led, with the rare flare-up of protest.  We both are in our element in the classroom, where we have the autonomy and are the respected expert in our fields.

We are both suckers for nostalgia, moved to tears at the good old days and pouring over old photos for hours.

We both married wrong, though he would deny it, and our lives have been harder because of it, but we have both stuck it out for the greater good.  We are keepers of commitments.

And music.  There are no words.  It is not just in our blood, it is our blood.  Some of our tastes overlap and some don't, but without it we would be husks of ourselves.

When heart and duty don't meet up

Sometimes we end up in commitments that are duties, not joys.  I am struggling with the juxtaposition of doing my best at everything for the Lord, and having a very bad attitude because I don't want to be doing it in the first place.

I could spout a very spiritual homily about how God puts us in areas that are outside our gifts or desires sometimes because it's good for us, and it helps us grow and stretch blah blah blah.  That's not how I feel though.  I am stuck in a ministry I hate because I opened my big mouth and complained about how it was being run, and now I have to stick it out. 

I guess what I'm saying is, did God put me in the preschool ministry intentionally as a growth experience and trial, or I did I put myself in it by opening my big mouth (called consequences) and now He expects me to do my best at it with a good attitude?

Either way I know that I need to continue to pray over my attitude and over my duties, and truly do my best for His babies, at least till my commitment is over.  I  know that quitting and leaving the others involved in the lurch suddenly is definitely NOT what the Lord would have me do.   So I plug away, but it is ruining church for me.  I feel like I am going to work, not church on Sunday mornings.  On the positive side, I have made new relationships with people I didn't know and in one case actively disliked, as a result of being involved in the preschool ministry.  So there you go.  It's Sunday morning and I have to go get ready for church.